


Define Reality

by akeijis



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Doctor/Patient, M/M, Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein-centric, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, POV Jean Kirstein, Schizophrenia, jean x marco - Freeform, jeanmarco
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-10
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-02-28 21:09:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2747189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akeijis/pseuds/akeijis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean's life is made difficult when a little voice in his head starts talking to him.  He ends up in Trost Psychiatric Facility, where he meets a hopeful new intern who is trying to fix all his problems.  Mental Institution AU filled with angst, prescription drugs and stupid feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Can You Hear Me Now?

_Rise and shine sleeping beauty.  You don’t want to disappoint the nurses again._

I shook my head slightly as I opened my eyes.  Light was already pouring into the room through the window.  It was too bright, so opening my eyes was hard.  I wish I could have blinds, but nope. Not allowed.   I sat up, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.  I ended up rubbing them for a long time.  It felt nice.  You know the feeling, when you just can’t seem to stop rubbing your eyes. 

I finally stopped and swung my legs around so I could sit up on the bed.  The mattress was hard and I needed to stretch to get the knots out of my back.  They didn’t give us nice beds because they didn’t want to encourage you to stay any longer than you had to.  Which was stupid since we don’t get a say in how long we stay, but whatever.  I looked at the clock on the wall opposite the bed.  Nine o’clock in the morning.  Well, ten past nine.  But that’s okay.  I still had twenty minutes to get myself fully awake and dressed. 

My night shirt was already lying haphazardly on the floor.  I guess I took it off in my sleep last night.  Well, one less thing to take off now.  I walked over to my closet.  It was bigger than I needed; I only had about six shirts and two pairs of pants.  Not that I was complaining.  I sat in this closet a lot.  It was a good hiding spot and sometimes I needed to hide.

_You’re taking too long. Hurry it up already._

I realized I had been standing, starting at the floor of the closet.  Maybe just a few minutes of sitting in here would make me feel a little better.  I glanced back at the clock on the wall.  It was nine fifteen.  I had only been standing here for five minutes, so I wasn’t taking too long.  Don’t tell me I’m taking too long. 

I curled my knees up to my chest as soon as I sat down on the floor of the closet.  I could still see the clock on the wall, so I wasn’t going to be late.  I’d be ready by nine thirty. 

_No you won’t._

Yes, yes I will.  I wasn’t going to be late.  I had fifteen minutes to pull on some pants and a shirt and make it down to the cafeteria.  It was like a three minute walk down the hall.  So I could sit here for another five minutes.

 _Pathetic_.

I’m pathetic, I know.  Sitting in my closet alone at nine eighteen in the morning.  Only twelve minute to make it down to the cafeteria.  I didn’t really want to go anyway, but I had to.  Otherwise they’d come looking for me and ask me why I was sitting on the floor.  And I didn’t want to tell them why because that’d ruin the hiding spot. 

At nine twenty three I was finally able to pull myself off the floor and grab a shirt from the hanger.  It was one of my favorites: a black t shirt with the Jack Daniels logo on the front.  I knew some of the nurses didn’t like it when I wore this shirt, but I didn’t care. It was my favorite and I could wear whatever I wanted to.

I pulled on my jeans and laced up my shoes.  Looking in the mirror, I saw what looked like a bird’s nest on top of my head.  My hair was weird, all light on the top and dark on the bottom.  I didn’t know why it was colored like that but I kind of liked it.  I always had an undercut, because it made the different colors a lot more pronounced.  But now the hair on top of my head looked like a dead animal.  It was trying to go in every direction at the same time.  I quickly patted it down to attempt to make myself not look like a homeless person.  I glanced at that damn clock again.  Nine twenty eight.  Shit.

I abandoned my attempt at making my hair look presentable and quickly left my room.  The halls were nearly empty, save a few nurses checking to make sure there was no one left in their rooms.  I nearly ran down the hall, trying not to draw any attention to myself.  I reached the cafeteria at exactly nine thirty. 

_You’re lucky this time, Kirstein._

I sat down at my normal table.  It was my table, and this was my seat.  We didn’t have a choice where we sat so the chair was left empty for me.  The seat to my left was occupied by another boy around my age.  He was short and his hair was cut so that he looked almost bald.  There was already food in front of him and he was shoving it down his throat like he hadn’t eaten in years.  The seat to my right was still empty.  I felt myself tense up a little.  He’s late again.

_Poor kid, probably will get punished.  Something awful._

No, he won’t.  Stop thinking stuff like that.  At most he’ll get scolded by the nurses again.  Don’t lie to me. 

“Eren’s late again,” said the boy to my left.  His name was Connie Springer. 

“Big surprise,” I said back, looking at the food that was being placed in front of me.  I thanked the man who had brought me food quietly as he turned and walked away.

“He’s gonna get it one of these days,” Connie continued with a mouth full of food.  “They’re getting real fed up with him and it’s only been like two weeks.  I heard he tried to bite one of them when they went to get him out of his room.  Fucking psycho.”

_He’s just like you, Jean.  Completely mental._

I started picking at my breakfast: an omelet, a piece of toast, and a pre-packaged fruit cup.  I decided to start with the omelet, since that was my favorite.  Connie was rattling on about something stupid.  I decided I didn’t want to pay attention to him.  He was too loud for this time in the morning.  I focused on trying to open the fruit cup.  It was a challenge, and I ended up needing to use my teeth to try and pull it open.   Little slimy pieces of fruit flew out of the cup when the plastic cover finally decided to come off.  The little shits fell into my lap and onto the floor.  I grabbed my napkin and tried to clean off my pants.  Connie was howling with laughter.  I shot him a glare and elbowed him in the ribs. 

We chatted for a while.  He was telling me about they had lowered his prescription, and that he felt like he’d probably be good to leave soon.  At about ten past ten, he fell suddenly fell silent as someone sat down in the seat on my right.  We both turned to look at the boy who was staring intently at the table in front of him.  Eren Jaeger was his name.  He had only gotten admitted to this hell-hole about two weeks ago.  The seat he was in had previously been assigned to a boy named Franz, but he had been released because of his improvement.  It was good for him, but lonely for me.  I had liked him a lot.

_He’s probably thankful to be away from you._

I shook my head and continued to eat my breakfast.

A plate was put down in front of Eren but he didn’t start eating, or say thank you to the guy who brought his food.  I kept watch on him out of the corner of my eye.  I didn’t want to start a conversation with him.  He looked angry.  He always looked angry.  It wasn’t hard to guess why he had been sent here.  Uncontrollable rage and violent tendencies.  Apparently he had almost stabbed another kid at his school, but that was just a rumor. 

The table was full of other people my age.  That’s how they separated patients I guess: based on age.  I guess they thought it would be easier on all of us if we had people to talk to.  Connie was too my left: he had a panic disorder.  He’d be fine one minute and just break down the next.   He was good most days though.  He’d been here a while, but he still wasn’t cleared to leave.   Beyond him was Ymir, who refused to tell us why she was here, which made me think it was something serious.  Next came Krista Lenz, and then Mikasa Ackerman.  Both of them had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Apparently some shit had gone down in their homes a while back, and they hadn’t ever recovered.  Krista cried a lot; Mikasa rarely spoke.  I never pressed it; I mean, who’d want to talk about that anyway.  I only asked like once.  Mikasa made it, um, extremely clear to never ask again.  On Eren’s right was Sasha Braus who had an eating disorder, coupled with fits of manic behavior, according to her chart.  She was a ball of fucking energy all the time which doesn’t seem like a problem until she’s out of control and can’t remember what’s going on.  Lastly to her right was Annie Leonhart: antisocial personality disorder.  Apparently she wasn’t allowed out of the streets anymore because they thought she might hurt someone.  She looked like she had already probably murdered somebody; she scared me.

_And you, Jean?_

Me? What about me?

 _What’s wrong with you?  Or, what_ isn’t _wrong with you?  It’s probably quicker just to tell us how you aren’t fucked up in the head. The list of things wrong goes on and on…_

Shut up. 

I slammed my face into my hands and pulled at my hair.  Shut up, shut up, shut up.  Someone please make him shut up.  

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see a man smiling down at me.  His shoulder length blond hair was tied back into a pony tail.  He had a few pens sticking out of the pocket of his white coat.  Dr. Arlet.

“How’re you doing, Jean?” he said softly, smiling widely at me.  He must have noticed that I was arguing with myself. 

“Fine,” I said back.

 _Liar._ Shut up.

“Okay, I’ll believe you this time,” Dr. Arlet laughed.  He put a small cup down in front of me that had three small pills in it.  “Please make sure you take these before you leave here, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” I said, picking up the cup. 

_They’re just trying to subdue you.  Don’t take those stupid pills.  They mess with your head and make you all foggy.  Besides, who’s going to talk to you if I can’t?  It’s not like any of these people actually like you._

I angrily put the cup of pills back down on the table. 

What do you mean nobody likes me?  That’s not true.

_The only reason any of these freaks sit with you is because that’s where they’re assigned.  Who would want to sit next to a fucked up loser like you?_

I’m not fucked up.

_Then why do you have to take those stupid little pills?_

I don’t need the pills.

_Good, then don’t take them._

Dr. Arlet was walking around to each of the people at my table, putting cups of pills in front of some of them while just talking with others.  He had to encourage Sasha to eat her breakfast, telling her she couldn’t take her medicine without eating something.  He was a nice guy, and he seemed to genuinely care about us.  He wasn’t much older than we were.  Everyone at the table ranged from nineteen to twenty four.  Dr. Arlet couldn’t have been older than twenty six.  It made it easier to talk with him then with one of the older doctors, which was probably why he was assigned to us.  He had told me to take these pills before leaving.  I didn’t want to let him down. 

Before I could think more about it, Eren picked up his cup and threw it across the table.  It landed right in Annie’s food.  There was a collective shudder around the table.  She looked up slowly from her plate to stare at Eren.  You could almost feel the tension between them as her eyes bore into him.  Eren was staring right back at her, not seeming to realize that she could probably easily kill him if she wanted to.  She looked back down at the cup and the pill that had landed on her plate.  She picked them up, putting the pill back into the cup.  She put it down on the table next to hers, stood up and left the cafeteria, leaving her own cup still full. 

“Hey!” another doctor called.  He was a big man, with short blond hair; Dr. Braun.  He worked extensively with the ‘more distressed’ patients.  ‘More distressed’ was the polite way of saying the violent ones.  Annie and Eren were good examples of that.  He grabbed her cup and chased after her out into the hall.  Dr. Arlet had already picked Eren’s cup back up and put it down next to him again.

“You need to take this.”

“I don’t need your shitty medicine. ” Eren said angrily back.

“Just take it,” said a small voice across the table.  Everyone’s eyes darted to Mikasa.  This was the first thing I’d heard her say in almost a week.  “Don’t be stupid, Eren.”

Eren grunted angrily, before grabbing the cup out of Dr. Arlet’s hand and swallowing the pill.  He sat there grumpily, still not eating his breakfast.

Connie and I looked at each other.  How did we get stuck with this little shit sitting next to us?  His shitty behavior did nothing to make our situations better.  Connie had been laughing and cheery when I had gotten to the cafeteria, but now he was quiet, looking kind of nervous. 

No, don’t look like that.  It’s just Eren being shitty; it’s nothing to get upset over.

_Don’t bother; like you could cheer him up anyway._

I quickly picked up my cup and took my pills before I could stop myself.  I didn’t like taking my medicine because it made me foggy, but I didn’t need any more of his bullshit today. 

“Come on, man,” I said, elbowing Connie.  “Let’s go for a walk.”

“Yeah, okay,” he said, and we both got up.  Sasha stood up also, and the three of us left the hall.  Sasha liked being with us.  We were good outlets for her energy.  She usually helped Connie relax and calm down, but some days she was too much for him to handle.  But today seemed like a good day. 

* * *

 

It was gorgeous outside: early summer, sunny skies, warm breeze.  The lawn was green and well trimmed.  We walked along the path around the building.  There were lots of chairs and tables scattered around the lawn.  One of the tables was occupied; a middle aged man sat holding hands with an empty looking woman.  She just stared at the table, not responding at all to the man as he spoke to her.  I didn’t recognize either of them, but it was nothing we hadn’t seen before.  A lot of people had visitors, even when the visitors knew that it was useless trying to talk with them. 

Sasha ran ahead of us, glad to be outside on such a great day.  Her good mood seemed to rub off on Connie.  He went sprinting off too, trying to catching her.  I laughed watching the two of them running around on the lawn.  I jogged to try to catch up with them. 

We spent most of the morning outside, wandering around the grounds, Sasha chasing birds or squirrels like a five year old.  It was such a nice day that I didn’t mind wasting time out there.  We ended up lying down in the grass, staring up at the sky.  Sasha was eagerly telling us about all the animals she could see in the clouds.  She always acted like a little kid.  She had told us about how scared she was to get older, about how all she ever thought about was how eventually we were all going to die, and about how unfair that was.  I tried not to think about that.  It wasn’t hard for me; the thought didn’t cross my mind often.  She would occasionally break down when they became too much for her to handle. 

Connie laughed along with her and traced the clouds with his finger.  On good days, it was easy for Connie to keep up with her.  But on bad days… Well we didn’t talk about the bad days and Sasha had learned to keep her distance when it happened.

I didn’t know how to help either of them.  I knew I was pretty useless when it came to cheering people up.  Luckily Sasha didn’t need cheering up very often, and Connie was okay with just sitting in silence, taking deep breaths.  They were my best friends in the world.  I almost felt like they legitimately wanted me around.  They went out of their way to talk to me, and hang out with me.  That’s more than anyone did outside of this stupid place.  Who wants to talk to the guy who can’t even go five minutes without wanting to bang his head against a wall?

_No one._

No one. That’s right.  Because I’m crazy, and nobody likes crazy.

“Hey, who’s that?” Connie’s voice halted my train of thought.  I lost track of how long we had been laying there, but from the look of the sun, it’d say it’d been at least an hour.  I followed his finger and saw a young man in a white coat walking briskly up the walkway from the street towards the main entrance. 

“New doctor?” I wondered aloud.

“Cute new doctor?” Sasha piped in next to me.  Connie and I both looked at her, eyebrows raised.  “What?  I can dream.”

Connie laughed loudly and pushed himself off the ground.  He told us to get up so we could go investigate.  We followed him and he walked briskly across the yard.  Sasha was humming the _James Bond_ theme next to me, looking like she was on a top-secret mission.  She quickly ran ahead of Connie as we reached the side of the building, put her back against the wall, and peaked sneakily around the corner.  She looked back at us, shook her head, and motioned for us to go around the corner.  I guessed that meant he wasn’t there and it was safe for us to go on undetected.  I smiled at her antics before rounding the corner.

We walked in through the main entrance.  There was no site of any unfamiliar doctors or nurses.  Dr. Arlet was standing at the pharmacy counter, talking with the woman behind the glass.  When we entered, he turned and smiled to us.  I smiled back, glad to see him.  I didn’t know how he dealt with Eren and could still manage to smile.  The guy was like a ray of sunshine. 

“Let’s ask him!” Sasha said, staring to walk forward, but Connie grabbed her arm.

“Let’s continue our investigation ourselves before asking for outside help.”

Dr. Arlet noticed the exchange and gave us a questioning look.  He started to walk over to us, looking curious. 

“Looks like he’s onto us,” I said quietly so only Connie and Sasha could hear.  “Might as well ask him.”

“No, that ruins the whole game,” Connie said furiously.

“What are you, twelve?”

“I’m twenty years old and am completely allowed to want to go on a top secret mission to gather new, sensitive information about our captures.”

I snorted at that.  Connie was no better than Sasha sometimes. 

“Top secret mission?” Dr. Arlet asked, still smiling.

“Well if we told you, it wouldn’t be top secret,” Sasha explained.

“I see.  I might be able to help with your mission if you let me in on the secret.”

“It’s for classified personnel only,” Connie deadpanned. 

“You both are ridiculous,” I said, not able to take them seriously.  I was more curious about who the new doctor was than interested in investigating it ourselves.  But I knew that they’d hate me if I ruined the game.

_And then you’d have no friends._

I shook my head to get rid of that little voice.  Dr. Arlet noticed the movement.

“Jean, can you walk with me?”

“No! You’re going to take him hostage until we divulge our plan! You can’t have him!” Sasha yelled, jumping in front of me. 

“I promise it’s just a walk and a chat.”  _More like ‘time to give you more drugs’._ “I’ll let him return to your mission after, I promise.”

I followed Dr. Arlet down the hall away from Connie and Sasha.  He didn’t say anything for a while, letting us get some distance from the dynamic duo.  Finally, once we turned down the hallway towards his office, he began to talk.

“How’re you feeling, Jean.  Are you doing okay?”

_Loaded question. He knows that you’re going to lie and say you’re fine._

“I’m fine,” I replied despite myself.  I hated agreeing with that little voice. 

“It looked like you were trying to clear your head back there.  Is that right?”

_He sounds like such a pretentious dick.  Just ditch this guy._

“No, I was just….”  Shit.  Dr. Arlet knew that shaking my head like that was a nervous habit because of the little voice.  I had extensive talks with him in the past about it.  He had noticed it and now we had to talk about _him_ and I really hated talking about _him._

“It’s okay to not be okay, Jean.  I’d like you to tell me what’s going on inside your head.”

_Tell him to suck my dick.  Tell him._

No, why would I say that?  He’s trying to help me.  Why can’t you just shut up?

_Because you’d miss me too much.  No one else wants to talk to a pathetic psycho like you._

That’s not true.  Stop saying that, it’s not true.

_I bet Connie and Sasha are having so much fun together. Without you.  They don’t need you.  They’re happy just the two of them.  Don’t you want them to be happy?  No one needs you Jean, might as well just  off yourself now and–_

“No!” I yelled suddenly.  I whipped my head around, trying to slam it into the wall, trying to shut that stupid voice inside my head up.  Before I knew what was going on, Dr. Arlet’s arms were around me, holding my arms behind my back, not letting me move. 

“Calm down, Jean,” he whispered urgently.  I struggled to try to get away from him.  I needed to shut him up.

_Hurt yourself, Jean.  Hit your head against the wall.  You’re pathetic, you know.  You’re worthless._

“Shut up!” I yelled.  I could hear Dr. Arlet calling out over his shoulder, asking someone to come help him.  “Why can’t you ever just shut up!”

_He needs help controlling you, you monster.  They’re gonna stick needles in you and make you sleep while they pick at your brain._

“Get off me,” I spat at Dr. Arlet.  I didn’t want them to cut my head open.  That’s what was going to happen.  They were going to go looking around in my brain.  Dr. Braun came sprinting around the corner, followed by a tall, nervous looking man in scrubs.  Dr. Braun took Dr. Arlet’s place, holding my arms down, away from my head.  Dr. Arlet positioned himself in front of me, putting his hands on my shoulders. 

“Jean, you’re fine.  Please calm down.  No one is going to hurt you.  We just need you to stop fighting, okay?”

_He’s lying.  He’s going to hurt you._

“Let go of me!” I yelled, tasting salty water in my mouth from the tears that were pouring out of my eyes.  If he didn’t stop it, that voice was going to drive me insane.  I didn’t want to do this anymore.  “Make him shut up!  I can’t take it.” 

“Bert, hurry up,” Dr. Braun said to the man beside him.  Bert was filling a syringe from a little glass bottle. 

_See, what did I tell you?  They’re going to make you sleep now._

“No please,” I begged, staring at Dr. Arlet.  “Don’t do it, please.  Don’t hurt me.”

_Begging?  You’re pathetic._

“Jean, no one is going to hurt you.  I promise.  We don’t need to give you anything,” Dr. Arlet looked up at Bert, who was standing ready with the needle.  “He’ll calm down; I believe he can calm down.”

 “Armin, we have to,” Dr. Braun said behind me. 

“No, wait another minute,” Dr. Arlet said, looking back at me and keeping his eyes fixed on mine.  “Jean, you can calm yourself down, right?  We don’t need to give you anything, do we?”

“No,” I said quietly, trying to slow my breathing.  “Please,” I added.  I closed my eyes and took deep, slow breaths.  That’s what Dr. Arlet always said to do when I panic.  Slow, deep breaths.  It was just in my head.  No one was going to hurt me.  I’m fine.  Calm down.

“See, he’s fine.  Let go of him, Reiner.”  Dr. Braun’s hands released my arms and he took a step back.  Dr. Arlet was still holding my shoulders, looking me straight in the eye.  I couldn’t meet his eyes, ashamed of myself for slipping up again.  “Jean, can I ask you about him?” 

I knew saying no meant that I’d get the needle.  I had to cooperate with him, I didn’t have a choice.  I slowly nodded.  Dr. Arlet told the other two that he could take it from here, and Dr. Braun and Bert left.  He led me down the hall to his office.  Slightly hesitantly, I sat down in my normal chair across the coffee table from his.   He was busy fixing us a pot of coffee. 

“What made you want to deal with crazy people anyway,” I said dryly.  I didn’t understand why anyone would ever want his job.  Dealing with people’s problems and meltdowns every day? Didn’t sound like a good career choice to me.

“You’re not crazy, Jean.”  Typical response.  I knew I was crazy, he didn’t have to lie to me.  “Coffee?” he asked, holding up the pot.  I nodded and he poured out two cups.  Placing one down on the table in front of me, along with a few sugar packets and creamers, he sat in his chair.  I picked up the cup, not adding any cream or sugar, and took a sip.  When he finished fixing his, he sat back and looked over his mug at me, but didn’t say anything.

“I just don’t get why anyone would want your job.”

“It’s rewarding.  I get to see all of you grow and improve and get better.”

“And deal with us when we break,” I added quietly. 

“It’s my turn to ask questions,” he said, leaning forward in his chair, obviously wanting to change the subject.  “What happened back there?”  I shrugged.  He knew exactly what happened.  I didn’t need to explain it to him.  “Jean,” he said, sounding a bit sterner than before, “What happened?”

“I just wanted him to be quiet…” I muttered so he could barely hear me. 

 “Is he bad today?”  I nodded, and he continued.  “What kind of things is he telling you?”

“That I’m worthless,” I answered quietly.  I didn’t want to say it out loud.  Truth was, I agreed with the voice.  I was pretty worthless.

“Well you should know that’s not true.”

I looked away from him.  He could tell me that all he wanted, but it wasn’t going to help.  I knew how worthless I was.  I knew how much no one really cared about me.  It had always been that way.  My parents were too busy for me, the few friends I had before coming here never seemed to care if I wasn’t with them.  Everybody was happy going on with their lives without me.  It was easy for them.

“Yeah, you’re right,” I lied.  It was easier to tell him what he wanted to hear.  It made this go by faster.  Make them think you’re okay, and you get to go home.  That’s what Ymir always said.

“I don’t think you actually believe me.”  I looked at him again.  He was sipping his coffee, not taking his eyes off mine.  He had a way of reading people’s minds.  He knew what we were thinking all the time.  It was kind of scary. 

“No, I don’t.  I’m worthless.  Why else would I be here?”

“Are you saying everyone who’s here is worthless, Jean?”

“No! Of course not!”  How could he say that?  I didn’t think Connie was worthless.  Or Sasha.  Or any of them.  They were really important to me.  How could he even suggest they were worthless?  Did he think they were?  He probably thought we all were worthless. 

“Tell me more about him.”

“Like what?”

“When does he talk to you?”

“He answers whenever I ask a question.  He likes to comment of things I’m doing.  He likes to talk to other people too, but they don’t talk to him, so he tells me to say things for him.”

“Do you ever say things for him?  Does he try to talk to me?”

“He told me to tell you to suck his dick.”  I paused, and took a sip of my coffee.  I was almost hoping to offend Dr. Arlet.  That’s what he got for thinking we were worthless. 

“Anything else he wants to say?”

Well, is there anything else you want to say?

No one said anything back.  Of course he wouldn’t talk when I wanted him to.  I had thought in the past that maybe Dr. Arlet could have a conversation with him, try to get him away from me.  But it never worked.  He never responded.  He only would be there when I didn’t want him.

“No, nothing else.”

He looked like he was about to start talking again, but there a knock on the door.  It opened slightly and another nurse in blue scrubs poked her head inside the office. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, Dr. Arlet.  Your schedule said you’d be free around now.”

“It’s fine,” he said.  “What is it?”

“Your intern arrived not too long ago.  Erwin just finished giving him a tour of the facility and wanted you to meet up with them.”

“Right, yes.” Dr Arlet glanced over at me before looking back to the nurse.  “I’ll go in a few minutes, where are they?”

“Cafeteria,”

“Thank you, Rico.”

The door closed and Dr. Arlet looked over at me again.  He seemed like he was thinking hard.

“I’ll be fine,” I said quickly, “I’ll just go meet up with Connie and Sasha.”

“I’d like make sure you’re alright before you go,” he said.

“Trust me, I’m fine.  So much better than before.”

_Why would he trust you?  You’re crazy._

I made sure not to move and shake my head this time.  I didn’t need to give him a reason to keep me here any longer.

After a few more minutes and too many more questions, he finally let me leave with the promise that he’d be by my room later to make sure I was alright and asked me to stay inside for the rest of the day.  I walked back out into the hall and headed towards the main entrance.  I had to find Connie and Sasha, so I figured I’d start my search there.  I was lucky.  They were sitting cross-legged on the floor.  As I neared them, Sasha looked over and bounced to her feet.  Not bothering to ask me what had taken so long, she demanded we make our way to the cafeteria early so that we could convince them to let her change seats with Eren for lunch.  We had tried it before, to no avail, but she wasn’t deterred.  Laughing, Connie and I followed her down the hallway.  There were still twenty minutes until lunch was being served, but we sat down at our table anyway, Sasha occupying Eren’s seat. 

“I have vital new information to add to the investigation,” I said, causing Sasha to squeak with excitement and latch to my arm.

“You didn’t ask Dr. Arlet did you?” Connie asked suspiciously, “Because that would be cheating.”

“I didn’t ask him anything!  It’s just something I overheard while in his office.”

“He took you all the way to his office?”  From the concern in Connie’s voice, I could tell he knew something was up.  Dr. Arlet would often take people for walks when he thought something was wrong, but he rarely ever went all the way to his office.  That was reserved for more sever situations. 

“Yeah, but listen,” I continued, trying to keep him from questioning it.  “When I was in there, a nurse stopped by to tell him something.”

“What did she tell him?”  Sasha looked as though she might die with anticipation.  This game was one of her favorites.  We made a habit of investigating things around the hospital.  More accurately: Sasha made a habit of investigating, assisted by Connie, while I followed along.  I could never get myself quite as into it as they could. 

“Apparently, Dr. Arlet has a new intern.”

“Oh God, not another intern.”  Connie laid his face down dramatically on the table.  “They always take everything so seriously and ask the dumbest questions.  I don’t think I can stand another session with one.  Why can’t Dr. Arlet just say no to people?”

“I don’t think he gets much of a choice.  If that’s where they’re assigned, who’s he to say no.  I’m pretty sure that call comes from Dr. Smith.  But Dr. Arlet is probably the best person to learn from.”

“You’re getting off track!” Sasha yelled, desperately trying to redirect the conversation back to us discovering who the new guy was.  “Is that all you heard, Jean?”

“I also heard,” I paused, enjoying the way Sasha was tittering on the edge of her seat, “that they were going to be meeting in the cafeteria.”  Sasha gasped and wheeled around, looking all over for Dr. Arlet.  He was nowhere to be found.  “They might have meant the staff cafeteria.”

“That’s not really a _cafeteria_ though.” Connie corrected me.  “That’s more of just a lounge.  If they said cafeteria, I’m sure they meant here.  Besides, all the doctors need to be here for lunch.”

“That’s my seat,” said a loud voice from behind Sasha.  She jumped and turned to see Eren standing behind her. 

“Do you want to trade for lunch?  You could sit by Mikasa, and I can sit by Jean and Connie!  Everybody wins!”

Eren didn’t say anything for a bit, just staring at her.  Sasha began to shrink in on herself. 

“Why would you want to sit by these losers anyway?”

“Shut the fuck up, Jaeger.” I snapped. 

“Or what?”

“Or I’ll rearrange your face, that’s what.”

_Good, Jean.  Fight him.  He’s a little shit and has been asking for it.  Someone needs to put him in his place.  Do it._

I could totally take him.  The little shit was a good six inches shorter than me, if not more.  I began to stand up, but Connie grabbed by wrist.

“Not worth it, man.  Sasha, move over.”

“But Connie –”

“Just do it.”

I begrudgingly sat back down while Sasha moved over to the seat on Eren’s right.  Eren sat and began to mindlessly play with a napkin that was lying on the table in front of him.  That shut us up for a while.  Gradually, the rest of our table started to file in and conversation starting up again.  Connie and I chatted to Ymir about how nice it was outside.  She had gone for a walk with Krista around the building.  The two of them were close, and it seemed like they were becoming more than just good friends.  No one brought it up to them though.  The second ‘unspoken’ rule of the hospital was ‘Don’t Date Other Patients’.  That came closely behind the first rule: ‘Don’t Ask What’s Wrong With Them’, and was followed by ‘Don’t Try to Date the Doctors’.  The rules were there for a reason, even though people broke them quite often, especially the first one.

_Jean, can you see me?  Look over here._

I whipped by head around.  It sounded like someone was whispering to me from across the room.  I didn’t see anyone there, but the voice still was whispering.

_Jean, can you help me?  I need your help, please._

It wasn’t him.  It was a different voice; a girl’s voice.  She sounded scared.  I couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from, but it was somewhere across the room.  There were a lot of people coming into the cafeteria now, making it hard to see.  I decided I should go check.  I stood up from the table and started to walk towards to doors.

“Jean, where are you going?”  I heard Connie’s voice behind me, but that wasn’t important.  She needed help.

_It hurts.  Please make them stop.  They’re hurting me._

“Who?  Who’s hurting you?”

_They are.  They’re going to hurt you too, Jean.  They’re going to pick at your brain._

I felt a hand on my head, parting my hair.  It was touching my scalp.  Cold hands were trying to pull open my head. 

“Get off me!” I yelled, swatting away the hand.  It didn’t help; the fingers were still touching my head. 

 _Don’t listen to her, Jean._ It was him again. _They’re going to help you.  They need your brain, that’s all they want._

But I don’t want them to have my brain.  They can’t take that.  Get off me. 

_Let them take it, Jean._

“No!” I yelled, wheeling around, trying desperately to try to get the hands off my head.  I felt more hands.  Hands grabbing my arms, holding them down. 

_They’re going to make you sleep now._

I felt a sharp pain in my arm and everything was swimming.  I was drifting, the room spinning around me.  They’re going to take away my brain.  I needed that.  I had to investigate with that.  Connie and Sasha needed me to have a brain.  They thought it was important. 

_Goodnight, Jean._

Everything faded away.

* * *

 

“This is his second episode today.  I think we need to consider solitary for a while.”

“He’s never showed improvement in solitary.  I think keeping him on Prolixin and just raising the dosage would show better progress.”

“I’m not considering it for his benefit, but for the other patients’ safety.  Besides, he’s already at 12 mg.”

“Try 16 mg.  One more and we’ll discuss what else we can do.”

They were talking about me.  I didn’t have it in me to open my eyes.  Everything still felt fuzzy.  My mouth was dry and my arms felt tired.  Maybe if I stayed quiet and lay here long enough, they’d go away.

“Jean, are you still with us?”  Still with who?  Who was talking to me?  “Jean, come on, open your eyes.  Stay awake.”  Was I awake?  It felt like I was sleeping.  Slowly, I opened my eyes.  I was sitting, not lying down like I thought I was.  And I was still in the cafeteria, just blocked from view by a curtain.

“What’s going on?”

“Can you not remember?”  Dr. Arlet was squatting in front of me, at eye level.  He picked up my arm and took my pulse.  “Tell me what you remember, Jean.”

“I was sitting with Connie.”

“And then?” 

“And then what?”  What was he talking about?

“You were sitting with Connie, and then what happened?” Dr. Arlet prompted.

“I always sit with Connie.  Our seats are next to each other.”

“Right, okay.”  Dr. Arlet was smiling like always.  I smiled back.  “Let’s get you back to the table.  Lunch is almost over.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“I’d like you to eat something, if you can.  Just something small.”  Dr. Arlet stood and extended his hand to help me up.  “Come up slowly,” he said.  I stood feeling the world shake a little around me.  It wasn’t hard to piece together what had happened.  I had a hallucination.  I felt ashamed as he walked with me back to my table.  Sitting down, I noticed that a few people had already finished eating and left.  How long had I been sitting behind that curtain?

“Jean! We need to have a team meeting to discuss our next course of action!” Sasha yelled, occupying Eren’s seat.  He was nowhere to be seen, thank God.  I started eating the small bowl of soup that had been placed in front of me as she explained her plan.  We were going to wander around outside of Dr. Smith’s office to see if there were any more clues, before going to group session. 

“We don’t have group session today, Sasha.  It’s Tuesday, we only have group on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.”

“Well I have a group session everyday because I’m in more groups than you because people like me more than you, Connie!”

“You just have more group sessions because you need more help than me!”

“Both of you shut up.”  I couldn’t handle their bickering.  We’d always reach the point where Sasha’s immaturity and Connie’s irritability hit their breaking points.  They’d go at each other non-stop if I didn’t put on end to it.  “I like the idea of investigating Dr. Smith’s office.  Should we do that now?”

“No!  He said I needed more help than him and you know that’s not true.  I want him to apologize before I consider continuing to investigate with you two.”

“Not going to happen,” Connie crossed his arms over his chest and looked away from her.  I sighed and finished off the last of my soup.  I had wanted to see them today, but enough was enough.  Standing up, I told them that I needed some time alone and I would catch up with them again at dinner.  Dr. Arlet always said that sometimes just walking away was the best thing I could do for my mental health.  I left the cafeteria and headed back to my room.  There was a nice comfortable area of floor waiting for me. 

_Hiding again?_

Just for a little bit.

_Don’t do that.  Just go back to Connie and Sasha.  You were looking forward to seeing them today._

No, they’ll just keep fighting and I don’t think I can handle that right now.  They’re annoying when they’re like that.

_But do you really need to hide?  Why not go to the gym or go watch TV or even go hang out with Mikasa or Krista?_

Don’t want to. 

_Where are you going, Jean?_

I realized I had wandered outside, back onto the lawn.  I didn’t remember how I got out there, but the breeze felt nice.  I was torn; I wanted to stay outside and feel the breeze, but I also wanted to go sit in my room alone and let some time pass by.  I didn’t really get a chance to decide.  At that moment, Dr. Smith came wandering around the corner of the building.  He was the Medical Director for Trost Psychiatric Facility: which was the fancy way of saying he was in charge of this place.  He was accompanied by a younger man, who looked like he couldn’t have been more than a year older than me.  He had short black hair that was parted in the middle and freckles all over this face.  I was able to piece together that this was probably Dr. Arlet’s new intern.  I also think that I had solved the mystery of who the new doctor was.   This guy looked just like the man we had seen coming up the path earlier that day.  Dr. Smith saw me standing outside the front doors, and he raised his eyebrows.  I guess it was strange for someone to just be standing outside the doors, not going anywhere, but I was sure he’d seen stranger.  He motioned to the younger man and they made their way over to me. 

I wanted to go back inside and avoid them, but I got the strange feeling that I had to stay put.  I felt like something was blocking my way behind me, so I decided not to fight it and just let them come and talk to me.  That’s all every doctor ever wanted to do: talk.  I hated it.  I’d rather just sit quietly, alone in my room.

“Jean?” Dr. Smith looked a little puzzled.  “What’re you doing here?”

“Just a nice day out,” I said, shrugging.  I didn’t want to tell him I wandered out here without realizing it.

“Didn’t Dr. Arlet tell you to stay inside?”  Dr. Smith looked stern.  The freckled man next to him was watching intently.

“No, he just told me to make sure I ate something.”

“I think you should stay inside today.  Why don’t we get you back to your room?  Mr. Bodt here can take you.”  Mr. Bodt stepped forward, smiling.  I struggled to return the smile.  It was such a nice day out; it’d be a shame to stay inside. 

_But we can hide._

Hiding was a good idea.  Going back to my room was a good idea.  I followed Dr. Smith and Mr. Bodt inside.  Dr. Smith pointed us down the right hallway and left us to walk together in silence.  I wasn’t very good at making conversation, especially with someone I didn’t know. 

“Jean, right?” Mr. Bodt asked.  He was still watching me.  His eyes were dark like his hair.  I found myself getting lost in them.  He had this dorky, excited expression on his face, like I was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen.  The guy must get off on crazy people.  Fucking weirdo.

“Yeah,” I responded after a few seconds.

“Call me Marco.”  He held out his hand.  I took it, not remember the last time someone tried to shake my hand.  This guy was weird.  He didn’t seem like a doctor, he was way too friendly.  Dr. Arlet was nice and all but Mr. Bodt—Marco—was different.  It was kind of nice. 

_He’s manipulating you; getting you to trust him so he can experiment on you._

“So, are you Dr. Arlet’s intern?”

“Yeah!  I’m doing my graduate work at Trost Uni just up the road.”  Marco was beaming.  He seemed way too happy.  It wasn’t normal.  Or maybe it was.  I guess I didn’t really know what was normal.  Nothing here was normal.  “Are you one of Dr. Arlet’s patients?”

I nodded slowly.  I met with Dr. Arlet every other day, and sometimes on the in between days when he thought I wasn’t doing well.  He held the group session that Connie, Sasha and I went to also.  I hated those group sessions.  You were supposed to talk to everyone about what’s going on and how you’re doing but everyone knew that you were messed up even if you said you were okay.  You only ended up in here if you messed up big outside.  I didn’t like sharing that story.

“Then it looks like I’ll be getting to know you pretty well!” he said as we reached my door.  I said goodbye to him and went inside.  The clock on the wall was ticking away, loud in the otherwise silent room.  The shirt I had slept in last night was still on the floor and my bed was still unmade.  I guess I forgot to clean up this morning.  I quickly threw the shirt into my laundry bin and pulled the sheets up on the bed before opening my closet door and sitting on the floor.  I looked up at the clock on the wall.  Half past one. 

_Jean._

What do you want?

_Hurt yourself._

Why?

_Because you deserve it._

But I don’t want to hurt myself.  Besides, Dr. Arlet said that I shouldn’t—

_You’re a coward.  You always hide behind what he says.  You always hide in this closet.  What are you so afraid of?_

You.  I’m afraid of you.

_Why?  I’m not going to hurt you._

But you’re telling me to hurt myself and I don’t want to.

_You’re pathetic._

I know I am, you don’t need to remind me.  But I’m not going to hurt myself.  I’m not.

I shook my head violently, trying hard to clear it.  That damn voice was going to drive me insane.  All I wanted was to be alone, but he was always there.  Always talking.  He never stopped talking.  He told me to do things, and I’d listen.  I tried not to.  I tried to tell myself that he didn’t control me, but who was I kidding?

The clock ticked in the background as I continued to sit in my closet.  It was almost two o’clock now.  At six I had to be back in the cafeteria for dinner.  That’s how it worked, everyday.  I got up at nine to be at breakfast by nine thirty.  Then some days I would go talk to Dr. Arlet, and other days I would hang out with Connie.  At twelve thirty we had lunch, which was too soon after breakfast for my liking but we didn’t have much of a choice.  Then after lunch on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays we’d have group sessions.  But today was Tuesday, which meant I didn’t have anything to do between now and dinner.  I had a few books I could read, I could go down to the lounge area and watch TV, or go work out in the gym.  But I didn’t want to.  I just wanted to sit here.  Alone.

* * *

 

This is my life.  Every day is scheduled; every thought I have is recorded.  And the worst part is: I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go back to a normal life outside this hospital.  But that’s what you get when a little voice tells you to do things and you listen.

 


	2. Down the Rabbit Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There aren’t any skeletons in the closet. There are no monsters under the bed. But that doesn’t mean monsters and skeletons and ghosts and all that shit isn’t real. No, exactly the opposite. The monsters are inside our heads.

“I like to believe that there’s good in everyone though, even if you can’t see it at first.  It makes the thought of having to interact with other people much less daunting, you know?”  Sasha was finishing up a rant she had been giving for the past seven minutes.  I was watching the clock in the corner, desperately hoping that it would have already hit four o’clock.  Unfortunately for me there was still a good forty three minutes left until this group session was over.  “So even if I meet someone and don’t really get along with them at first, I always think it’s worth trying because you never know what’s hiding underneath!”

“You’re so naïve,” Ymir interrupted when Sasha went to take a breath.  “People aren’t inherently good.  People are selfish and will do whatever they can to better themselves.  Assuming that everyone is a good person deep down just means you’re going to get stabbed in the back.”

“That’s not true and you know it!” Sasha snapped back, angry at being interrupted.  Dr. Arlet was watching the exchange, eyebrows raised.  He didn’t interfere, but I could tell he was ready to if need be.  This group session was comprised of the people who sat at my table for meals.  Being the “younger group” in the hospital meant that we probably shared some of the same issues, I guess.  I didn’t think anybody here could possibly understand my problem.  I usually just kept quiet unless Dr. Arlet made me talk.

“You honestly think everyone is good?  What about psychopaths?  Or serial killers?  You think they’re good people, too?”

“Well, I mean, I don’t know.”  Sasha faltered slightly and shot a nervous glance at Annie.  Unfortunately for her, Annie noticed.  She glared back at Sasha, who began to shrink in on herself.

“You think I’m a serial killer?”  She said coldly to Sasha. 

“No!  Of course I don’t.”

“A psychopath?”

“No, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Annie, that’s enough.”  Dr. Arlet apparently thought this was a good time to chime in.  “To give my two cents, I don’t really like the term ‘good person’.  I think what makes a person ‘good’ is subjective.  You can’t please everyone.  To me, you’re all good people.  I think you all have such wonderful potential and that none of you are inherently bad.”  Annie laughed humorlessly at that.  “You don’t believe me?”

“Dr. Braun wouldn’t agree with you.  He thinks I’m a bad person.”

“Dr. Braun and I disagree on many things,” Dr. Arlet continued.  “Why do you believe he thinks that?”

“He assumes that I’m going to hurt him.”

“Do you think about hurting him?”

“I’ve thought about it,” she said quietly, more to herself.  Dr. Arlet turned in his seat to face her, but she looked away from him.

“Do you think about it a lot?”

“What’s it matter?”

“It matters quite a bit, Annie.  If you’re thinking about hurting him, I need to take some sort of action.  We can have you reassigned.  You shouldn’t be having individual sessions with him.”

“No,” she said curtly, “I don’t think about hurting him, and I’d like to continue my sessions with him.”

“I’d like you to stay after so we can discuss this more once we finish up here.”

Annie crossed her arms over her chest and remained silent.  Sasha was still looking scared.  Connie was sitting next to her, rubbing her shoulder.  No one spoke for a minute.  Dr. Arlet broke the silence.

“Jean, you’ve been pretty quiet, why don’t you tell us how you’ve been doing.”

“Mikasa’s been quiet too, why can’t you ask her instead.”

“Because I asked you.”  My stomach began to flutter slightly.  I really hated group sessions.  I just felt like they judged me so much for everything I said, even though they were supposed to be there for support.

“I’ve been fine,” I said quietly.

“Yeah, right.” Eren blurted out.  I glared at him and he smirked right back.  “If you’re fine then I’m doing well enough to get out of this place.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me, crazy.”

“Eren, that’s enough.”  Dr. Arlet’s voice was stern and angry.  It was a voice reserved for Eren.  He could never keep his stupid mouth shut.  He was always calling me ‘crazy’.  I hated him more than anyone I’d ever met.

“I’m not crazy.”

“Like Hell you’re not. I fucking heard you talking to yourself at lunch.  Who has full conversations with nobody and isn’t crazy?”

“Shut the fuck up, Jaeger,” Connie said angrily.

“Eren, I said that’s enough.  Stop it, now.”  Dr. Arlet was glaring at him.  Everyone had fallen silent again.  “Jean, you can continue.”

“I don’t really have anything else to say,” I said quietly, staring at the ground.  I really hated talking during group sessions.

“Maybe you can let your ‘little voices’ talk for a while,” Eren laughed.

I stood up.  I was just about done with Eren fucking Jaeger.  He jumped up from his seat and strolled towards me, his cocky smirk still stuck on his stupid face.

_Make him pay for it._

I was going to fuck up this god damn bastard.  I was going to beat that stupid fucking smirk off his face.  There was a hand on my shoulder, and I turned to see Connie.  He was shaking his head.

“Not worth it man.”

_It’ll be so worth it to see his nose broken and bloody and his lip split in two._

I glared back at Eren, ready to throw a punch, but Dr. Arlet had other plans.  He was on his feet and got between us.

“Eren, outside now.  Marco, watch them please.” He nearly dragged Eren out of the room.  Marco got up from where he was sitting outside the circle and took Dr. Arlet’s abandoned seat.  I sat back down, shaking my head.  Why did I do that?  I’m such a fucking idiot.  A _crazy_ fucking idiot.

“You’re not crazy, Jean.”  Connie was looking intently at me from across the circle.  I couldn’t meet his eyes.  I thought I had just been talking in my headat lunch.  I guess I had been talking out loud.

“Yeah, Eren’s the crazy one!” Sasha piped in.

“The kid is a nightmare, just ignore him.”  When Ymir spoke, it was softer and gentler than I had ever heard her speak before.  I didn’t realize she was capable of being genuinely nice.

“Leave him alone,” Mikasa said softly.  “You shouldn’t say stuff like that about anyone.”

“How can you defend him?  He’s rude and obnoxious.  I’d think you’d have high standards than that.”

“Ymir…” Krista whispered, trying to shut her up.

“Hey, I don’t think that this is being constructive.  Why doesn’t Jean just continue with how he’s been doing?” Marco interrupted, trying to stop the argument.  Mikasa and Ymir turned to glare at him.  He’s confidence faltered slightly, but he was able to keep his voice firm.  “Jean, go ahead.”

“I mean, I don’t know.  I’m getting tired of sitting next to that piece of shit.”  I didn’t know what to say.  I could lie all I wanted and say I was fine but they all knew I wasn’t.  I didn’t want to talk about the voices.  No one understood, they all thought I was crazy.

“Yeah, he’s a pain,” Sasha agreed.  “Mikasa, maybe you can convince Eren to switch seats with me so that I can sit next to Jean instead.”

“Our seats are assigned,” Mikasa said sounding bored, “We can’t just switch.”

“But maybe if we all tried talking to them – ”

“Drop it, Sasha.”  Connie was always the one to bring her back to reality.  It was useless trying to get them to change the seats.  They’d only do that if they thought something was legitimately wrong, and in that case I would probably be told to sit at a different table all together.  The door opened and Dr. Arlet reentered the room, followed by Eren.  Marco quickly got up and returned to the corner to observe.

“Where were we?”

“Jean just finished telling us about how he’s been doing,” Connie said quickly, “I wanted to tell you guys about my folks; they just visited the other day.”  I was grateful that Connie drew the conversation away from me.  He talked a while about his dad.  They had been pretty close before Connie came here, but it seemed to have gotten kind of strained.  I never had visitors.  Not that I minded, really.  I didn’t get on well with my parents. 

I couldn’t seem to concentrate on what anyone was saying.  I tried hard to focus but everything seemed to be clouded behind some thick fog.  I tried my best to clear it without shaking my head.  I didn’t need Dr. Arlet noticing it and making me talk about it. 

“I have one final question for all of you, and then we’ll call it a day.  Sound good?”  He said when there was only about eight minutes left.  The group collectively nodded, and he continued. “What’s the first thing you’re going to do when you leave here?”

“Like, leave this session?  Or leave the hospital?”  Connie looked confused.

“Either one, whichever you want to answer.”

“I’m going to the gym,” Mikasa said quietly.  She was always in the gym.  She went after every group session.  It seemed like she had some chip on her shoulder about it. 

“I’ll go with you,” Eren said cheerily, smiling at her.  That was weird.  Eren never seemed to like being with people, but for some reason he always wanted to hang around Mikasa.  Now that I thought about it, I had noticed them together a lot. 

“Well, after this session, I’m probably going to go read.  My mom just gave me a new book last time she visited and I haven’t had the patience to sit down and read it!” Sasha looked so excited that she was on the edge of her seat.  “But after I leave here all together, I’m going to go right up to my dad and tell them that I’m not just stupid and immature and that he can suck it.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Connie laughed.  His hand was still on her shoulder.  I couldn’t help but stare at it.  An icy feeling had started trickling into my stomach when I had noticed it originally.  I didn’t like it; I wanted him to take his hand off her.  “I’m probably going to go watch TV with Jean, right buddy?”

“Yeah,” I agreed, not really caring what I was agreeing too.  Connie’s hand was rubbing and squeezing Sasha’s shoulder.  I didn’t like that at all. 

“But after I get out of here?” he continued, “I’ll probably try to find a job.  Try to let my life go back to normal.”

“That’s a good goal,” Dr. Arlet smiled at him.  “Ymir, Krista, Annie: What about you?”

“I’m going for a walk after this,” Ymir smiled down at Krista, “We made plans this morning.”  Krista smiled back at her.  It was an angelic smile, something I didn’t get to see often.  Krista was always so upset; I guess she thought Ymir was something special.

“I have a meeting with Dr. Braun.”

“Do you?  I didn’t think he was scheduled to have a meeting with you today.”  Dr. Arlet looked inquisitively at her, but Annie just shrugged.

“He asked if I could meet him so I said okay.  I don’t know why.”

Connie’s hand left Sasha’s shoulder to rub her back a bit.  Neither of them looked like anything was out of the ordinary.  It looked natural.  No, I definitely didn’t like that.  I knew they were close and I knew that I would never get that close with them but I didn’t want this.  I started getting images in my head.  Connie’s hand moving to hold Sasha’s.  Sasha leaning over to kiss him.  Them telling me to get away so they could be alone together.  No, I didn’t like that at all.

 _They’re so happy without you.  They don’t need you_.

No, they do need me.  Connie even said we were going to go hang out after this.  They want me around.

_They don’t miss you when you’re gone.  They’re happy together.  Don’t you want your friends to be happy, or are you just so selfish that you want them miserable without you?_

I shook my head violently.  I was happy for them, whatever they were.  Connie had never talked to me about being anything other than friends with Sasha.  I guess he felt he didn’t have to; that it was okay not to talk to me.  I mean, why would he have to talk to me, I’m not anything to her.  I’m nothing to everybody; no one cares about me anyway. 

_You’re nothing Jean.  No one cares.  No one would care if you were gone._

The room was spinning out of control and I couldn’t make it stop.  I kept getting images of them together, without me.  I was alone, even with them.  No one wanted me around; it was all just a lie.  I stood up from my seat and started walking towards the door.

“Hey, where are you going, Jean?” Dr. Arlet yelled after me and got up to stop me from leaving.  I didn’t answer, just quickened my pace towards the door.  He caught up and put a hand on my shoulder.  The same way Connie had his hands on Sasha’s.  I didn’t want this, and I didn’t like him touching me.  I spun around and pushed him back, trying to get him off me.  “Calm down, Jean.” I heard his voice through the fog that was filling the room.  It was muffled.

_Yeah, Jean, calm down.  Why can’t you ever control yourself?  You’re a monster._

I grabbed my head and pulled at my hair.  Why can’t you even shut up?  This is bad enough without you here too.

“You’re all free to go,” I heard through the fog, “Annie, please wait outside, I’ll come talk to you in a minute.”  I felt the rest of them walking away past me.  I turned to walk out with them.  “Jean, stop.  I need to talk to you.”

“About what?” I said, knowing very well why he needed to talk to me.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I said into the fog that seemed to be hanging around me.  How strange.  It just had crept in while I wasn’t paying attention, but the room was covered in it.  It made things very hard to see.

“What are you looking at?”

“Just the fog.”

“Jean, there is no fog.”

“Well, it’s just foggy I guess.  Like outside after it rains.  Makes it kind of hard to see.”

“Marco, go call a nurse.”

“Yeah, of course.”

There were voices in the fog.  Who was Marco?  Oh right, the intern.  He didn’t talk much, but maybe he wasn’t supposed to.  I didn’t know.  I didn’t know much of anything, I guess.  I did know that there was a hand on my shoulder.

“Jean, you’ve been doing so well, I need you to come back to me okay?”

“But I’m right here, can’t you see me?”  I looked over at the person whose hand was on my shoulder.  I didn’t recognize him.  Who was this man? 

“Jean, we’re going to help you okay?”  There were more voices in the fog, but I couldn’t see them.  “I need you to stay still okay?”

“Okay.”  There was a pain in my arm.  I went to swat it away but something stopped my hand.  It hurt for a minute, but then it was gone.  Dr. Arlet had my hand, holding it away from where they had given me a shot.  There were two nurses in the room, along with Marco, who was standing by the door looking worried.  Dr. Arlet was taking my pulse.

“He’s fine,” he reassured the nurses, who had a total of three more full syringes in their hands.  “Right, Jean?  You’re okay?  You’re back with us?”

“Did I leave?”

“For a little bit, but we got you back.”  Dr. Arlet smiled at me.  He pulled a small flashlight from his pocket and flashed it quickly in front of my eyes.  He then had me follow his finger with my eyes.  Apparently satisfied, he patted my shoulder, “I think Connie is waiting for you outside.”

“Yeah, I was going to go watch TV with him today, I think.”

“That’s what he had said you were doing.  Now, I hope you don’t mind, but I’d like Mr. Bodt to join you.  I’d like it if someone was there, just to make sure the medicine isn’t having any negative side effects.”

“Armin, are you sure?” Marco’s voice came from behind me.  He was still standing at the door.

“Yes, I think it’ll be fine.  I’m not worried, it’s just a precaution.”

I glanced back at Marco who was starring curiously at Dr. Arlet.  He looked a bit nervous.

“Right, okay then,” he said confidently, “Jean, why don’t we go meet up with Connie.”

“Tell Annie to come back inside, I still need to talk to her.”

I followed Marco out the door.  Annie didn’t need telling, she walked right in once we left.  She was used to being asked to stay back.  Dr. Arlet made her stay a lot.  We met up with Connie, who looked confused to see Marco with me.  Marco explained that Dr. Arlet wanted someone to stay with me for precautionary measures.  Connie didn’t look convinced, but we all set off towards the rec hall anyway.  Connie was joking about how mad Eren was going to be once he found out that Mikasa was a hell of a lot stronger than he was.  She was ripped from all the training she did.  I began to realize how scary all the girls here were. 

“Hey, Connie,” I said, interrupting a story he was telling.

“What’s up, man?”  I glanced over at Marco.  I didn’t know if Connie would talk to me truthfully with him nearby.  Luckily, he seemed to get the hint and fell back a bit. 

“What’s up with you and Sash?”

“What do you mean?  Nothing’s up.”

“I mean, you were like rubbing her shoulders and shit.  I didn’t know if you guys were—”

Connie started laughing, which stopped my train of thought.  He glanced back at Marco, who was trying hard to look like he wasn’t eavesdropping. 

“C’mon Jean, you should know better than that.  Rule number two: don’t date other patients.”

“I know, but no one actually follows those rules.  They were just to keep Hannah off the doctors when she was here.”  Connie shuddered.  Hannah had been released a month ago.  She was crazy, but not in the same sense of the word as me.

“Look, I don’t really want to talk about it.  Yeah, I’ve thought about it.  But rule two, man.  I just don’t know if that’d be cool.  And then there’s you…”  He trailed off.

“What about me?”  We reached the rec hall and sat down on the couch in front of the TV.  Marco went to sit with one of the nurses, Bert, who was supervising the room.

“I don’t know,” he said, flipping through the channels.  “The three of us are so awesome; I wouldn’t want to fuck that up.”  He couldn’t possibly understand how good that made me feel.  He was actually concerned about how I’d react if they were to start dating.  I started shaking slightly.  I was really happy.

“Hey, Marco,” I turned and yelled over to where he was sitting.  “Join us!”

“You sure?” he smiled back at me, not getting up yet.

“Yeah, why not.  You like South Park?”  I gestured at the show that Connie had chosen.  His smile turned into a cheeky grin, and he walked over and plopped down on the couch next to me. 

“This everything you expected a loony bin to be?” Connie asked him, not looking away from the TV.

Marco laughed, “More or less.  And I don’t really like the term ‘loony bin’.”

“What do you like then?”

“Psych ward.  Mental hospital.  Whichever you prefer.”

“I prefer loony bin.” Connie grinned.  “It’s fitting.  Okay, you’ve only been here like two days so I’m sure no one’s given you the rundown of how things actually work around here.”

“Connie…” I warned, but I couldn’t help but smile.  We had the same routine for all of Dr. Arlet’s interns. 

“Nah, he’s gotta learn it eventually.  Okay, so there are three rules for us,” he gestured to himself and me.  “Rule one: don’t ask, don’t tell.  Simple as that.  Rule two: don’t stick your dick in crazy.  Rule three:  don’t sleep with the hand that feeds you.”

“It’s ‘don’t _bite_ the hand that feeds you’, Connie.”

“No, that’s just for Eren.  He’s the only one that bites.”  I roared with laughter at that.  Marco let out a soft snort, looking like he was trying to restrain himself from laughing.

“Do I want to know the story behind those?” Marco asked, his eyebrows raised.

“No, trust me.  You really, _really_ don’t want to know.”

Marco was surprising.  He didn’t seem quite as uptight as I originally expected him to be, with his short, well-groomed hair and tie.  It turned out that he was only twenty three, which was only two years older than I was.  He was doing his graduate work to be a psychologist at Trost University, which wasn’t a far drive from the hospital.  I had gone to Trost for a year before the stress of college and life kind of broke me down.  We hadn’t been there at the same time though, since he went to a small college in Jinae before coming to Trost. 

Ymir and Krista wandered into the room and headed towards one of the tables by where Bert was supervising.  I caught Ymir’s eye as she walked by and she winked back at me.  Connie coughed loudly, followed by a not very subtle whisper.  “Rule two.”  Krista blushed and looked away from us as she sat down, but Ymir smirked before walking over to the couch. 

“Damn it, Connie,” I whispered, “Now she’s coming to talk to us.”

“What was that, Springer?” she said curtly.  She looked down at Connie, hands on her hips, and raised her eyebrows.  

“I didn’t say anything,” he smirked back.

“Like Hell you didn’t.  If you’ve got something to say, spit it out.”

“I didn’t say shit,” Connie spat back, “Go have fun breaking the rules.”  Marco and I watched their exchange.  I could tell Marco was nervous; he was rubbing the back of his neck.  Ymir just laughed before flipping him off and walking back to Krista.

“Do you always have to start shit?” I asked, elbowing him in the ribs.  We liked Ymir.  She was funny and sarcastic.  But I never dared to give her crap about anything.  She could easily beat my scrawny ass, and I didn’t want to give her a reason to. 

“I’m not starting anything.  But they’re so fucking obvious, it’s painful.”

“One of these days, she’s gonna fucking beat you half to death and you’ll have had it coming.”

“I could take her,” Connie said, cracking his knuckles and glaring in their direction.  I just laughed.  There was no way in hell Connie or I could beat her in a fight.  Not that we’d ever get the chance to find out.  We’d be thrown in solitary so fast if we ever threw a punch.  And solitary wasn’t somewhere I especially wanted to go.

We watched a few episodes of South Park and before we knew it, it was almost six o’clock.  Marco ushered us up and out of the rec hall so we could get to dinner on time.  For once, I didn’t feel anxious about going.  I felt relaxed in a way I hadn’t in a while.  Maybe it was just being able to hang out with people like a regular person for once.  That didn’t happen often enough for me.  My head was clear, probably because of the shot they gave me earlier.  I got shots so often anymore that needles didn’t even faze me.  When I was first admitted, I hated them.  They’d have to hold me down and it’d be a painful process, but now I don’t even flinch.  Unless of course I’m hallucinating, but that doesn’t count.

Only Eren, Mikasa, and Sasha were at the table when we reached the cafeteria.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Marco walk over to talk to Dr. Arlet.  He was laughing slightly, counting something on his fingers.  Eren had his head down on the table, groaning slightly.  I peered suspiciously at him for a minute before turning away from him to talk to Connie.  People were filing in slowly.  Ymir and Krista joined us a few minutes later, Ymir still glaring daggers at us.  We ignored her.

“So my dad was telling me about my brother the other day,” Connie said, nodding in thanks at the man who brought over cups of water for us.  “He’s got a job at that coffee place down the road from the college for the summer.”  I didn’t respond, so he continued.  “My dad’s been on his ass about getting an internship instead of just some summer thing, but he’s just not interested in it.  Something about wanting to not be so tied down and have time to see the world or some shit like that.  But it’s a fucking internship, it’s not like he’s getting a real job yet.”  I nodded, agreeing with him.  Normal life was so frustratingly simple and dull.  I wish I had those kinds of problems.

“I like that coffee place,” I said absently, “I went there a lot when I was at Trost.”

“I forgot you went there.  It’s funny, I never saw you on campus.  Guess it’s just a big school,” Connie grinned.

“Yeah, it is pretty big.”  Really big.  Like overwhelmingly big.  So big that you get lost and there are a million faces you don’t know and there’s always people talking and it was impossible to tell which voices were real and which were in your head. 

College was a nightmare.

“I want to go back after this,” Connie’s grim widened.  “I miss it, honestly.  I miss taking classes.  Guess I’d have to find a new major though.  I don’t think they let people with mental shit do pre-med.”

Dinner was being served as Connie chatted on about school.  I glanced around at the table.  Annie was still missing.  She’d get an earful from Dr. Braun about being late.  He never missed an opportunity to get on her ass about something.  I started eating, zoning out Connie’s rambling.  I was still surprisingly clear headed, which was a nice change of pace.  The people and noise in the cafeteria usually set me off, which was why I always broke down at mealtimes.  Not today I guess.

_Yeah, we’re doing well today. Only one little meltdown earlier but it’s fine now._

It’s probably just that the medicine hasn’t worn off.  They shouldn’t even have to give me pills tonight since that shot was only like two hours ago.

_We want pills though.  Pills make us feel good, don’t they?_

Only when I take too many, so no.  They wouldn’t let me do that.

_We should though!  We could take more.  More medicine means less crazy.  And you want to be less crazy, don’t you? Unless you just like the attention._

No, but I can’t take more than they give me.

_Why not? Coward._

Stop it.  I’m never doing that again. 

“Shut up,” I said angrily.  Connie stopped talking, and looked over at me, surprised. 

“Sorry, dude,” he laughed, “Didn’t mean to talk your ear off.”

“What?” I turned to him.  I didn’t realize he had still been talking.  “Not you.”

“You okay?” He raised his eyebrows at me, looking a bit worried.

“Yeah, fine,” I lied.  Only being told that I’m worthless and disappointing by some stupid little voice.  Nothing out of the ordinary. 

“What’s it saying?”

I glanced over at him.  He looked more curious than worried now.  I hesitated.  I never talked about what the little voice said to me.  I didn’t think I could handle hearing the generic ‘but you’re not worthless’ shit that everyone says.  That doesn’t mean anything to me.  I looked him over again.  Connie was my best friend.  Maybe I could try.

“He’s trying to convince to OD,” I said conversationally, taking another bite of food.  I tried to sound offhanded so he wouldn’t think I was actually considering it.

“Well that’s a shitty thing to do,” he commented, not sounding that fazed.  “It’s a he?”

“What?”

“The voice.  You said ‘he’.  So it’s a guy’s voice?”

“Oh, yeah I guess.”  I never really thought about the voice as having a gender.  It was just a voice.

“Will all _three_ of you shut up,” Eren grumbled, head still on the table.  Connie and I glared at him.  He hadn’t touched any of his food.  “Nobody wants to hear about Jean’s stupid friend inside his head.”

“Eren,” Mikasa warned from the other side of Sasha, and he went quiet again.  Everybody had gotten quiet, and I realized they had all been listening to our conversation.  Annie was still missing.

“Does he have a name?” Sasha chimed in.  This was weird.  No one had asked about him before.

“No,” I said quietly.  Why did they care?  He isn’t real.

“You should give him a name.  That way when he’s being a dick you can call him by his full name like my dad used to do with me.”  Sasha was grinning stupidly at me.  Give him a name?  He isn’t real.  There’s no reason to name him.  He wasn’t a pet.

_Tell them to shut up or else._

“Drop it, guys,” I said quickly.  “I don’t want to talk about it.”  They were all staring at me.  I didn’t like that.  I felt like I was shrinking under their gaze. 

A loud beeping noise interrupted my thoughts.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bert run into the cafeteria and grab Dr. Arlet.  He said something to him quickly and the two of them ran out of the room.  Doctors were all heading to the tables, telling people to sit back down.  Marco hurried over to us.

“You all need to stay put for a bit, okay?” He said, forcing a smile.  “Nothing to worry about, we just need to keep track of everyone for a little.”

“What happened?”  Sasha said, reaching out to grab his arm.  She was shaking slightly.  I could see Krista shrinking in on herself slightly, Ymir’s arm over her shoulders.  Even Eren picked his head up off the table to look at Marco.

“I’m not sure,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.  “But don’t worry, everything will be fine.”

“Where’s Annie?” Connie asked, just noticing she wasn’t at the table.

“Probably trying to murder Dr. Braun,” Eren smirked.

“That’s not funny!” Connie yelled.  “She wouldn’t hurt him.”

“But she said earlier she wanted to,” Eren said in the most obnoxious voice I’d ever heard.

I couldn’t take the beeping.  It was filling my head, making me dizzy.  I wanted it to stop.  I needed to make it stop.  The beeping was going to drive me crazy.  I closed my eyes and shook my head violently, trying to make the beeping stop.  It needed to get out of my head.

Marco squatted down next to my seat.  “Jean, look at me,” he said softly.  I glanced at him before closing my eyes again.  The beeping was everywhere.  “Jean.  You’re okay.  It’s just an alarm.  It’ll stop soon.  I promise.”  I opened one eye to look at him.  He had freckles on every inch of his face.  He reached out and put a hand on my shoulder.  “It’s out here, not in your head.  It’s an alarm.  You aren’t hearing things.”  He was right.  I wasn’t.  Everybody could hear it.  It wasn’t just me.  I’m not going crazy.  “It’s going to stop soon.  Give it a minute.”  I couldn’t take my eyes off his face.  He was anchoring me in reality and I didn’t understand it but I needed him to keep talking.  “I can hear it too.  Just an alarm.  Nothing unusual.  You alright?”  I nodded, wanting him to keep talking.  He searched my face for a few moments, before giving me a crooked smile.  The beeping stopped and he looked up at the ceiling.  “That wasn’t so hard, now was it?” he grinned at me.  “Great job.”

He got up and went to talk to Sasha, who was shaking a bit.  I sat there, staring at the ground where he had been.  I didn’t break down.  I didn’t get lost in my head.  I could see his face in my mind, smiling at me.  That smile kept me sane.  He kept me sane.  I glanced over at him, squatting next to Sasha.  Who the hell was this guy? 

* * *

 

When you’re a kid, you’re scared of the dark. Don’t try to deny it; everybody was scared of it at some point in their lives.  We were scared of the boogieman, the creepy shadows that moved across the walls, the weird thumps you heard outside.  Ghost stories, a tree moving in the wind, and a stray cat climbing into a trashcan.  There aren’t any skeletons in the closet.  There are no monsters under the bed.  But that doesn’t mean monsters and skeletons and ghosts and all that shit isn’t real.  No, exactly the opposite.  The monsters are inside our heads.  They feed off us, take us over and drive us mad.  They pick out every bad though, every painful memory, every feeling of worthlessness and they use it against you.  I wish I had monsters under my bed, cause they’re a hell of a lot less scary. 

My personal Hell in inside my head.

Faceless voices are scary.  You don’t know where they’re coming from.  You don’t know if they’re real or you’re just imagining it.  You have no idea how angry it can make you, having to constantly wonder if someone is talking to you or if you’re just going fucking crazy.  Trust me, I know I’m fucking crazy because the voice in my head never shuts up.  It’s always talking.  Sometimes it’s talking to me, sometimes it’s talking to the other voices who occasionally like to visit my brain, and sometimes it’s talking to itself.  That’s when you know you’re fucked, when the voice inside your head starts getting voices inside its head. 

It likes to talk about shitty stuff.  It talks about stuff I’ve done that I’m not too proud of.  It talks about how worthless of a human being I am.  It talks about how much of a failure I’ve been and how fucking disappointed my parents are that I’m in a loony bin at the age of twenty one.  It’s not my damn fault that my head wasn’t screwed on right.  Well, maybe it was.  I don’t know.  No one really knows what set this off.  It was probably my fault.  Everything is my fault.  I couldn’t handle school.  I was scared of the crowds and the noise and the voices.  I didn’t take care of myself.  I couldn’t deal with the stress. 

It’s my fault.

I’m the one who’s crazy.  I talk to myself.  I listen to that stupid voice in my head and I can’t help it.  It’s so manipulative and I’m so weak to it.  I’m so fucking weak.  I can’t keep myself together.  I start thinking about something and I just spiral down into however many fucking levels of Hell there are.  I fall apart at the seams.  I can’t be alone in my own head and you can’t possibly understand it.

You.

I keep saying ‘you’ like someone is actually listening to me.  Like _you_ care about my shitty breakdowns and how my head works and whatever else I’ve been going on about.  _You_ don’t even respond to me.  Because I’m talking to no one.  There’s no one there.  There’s no one in my room with me right now.  I’m just crazy.  And the voices, they don’t stop and I can’t breathe.  I’m suffocating.  I’m drowning in my room, alone.  Jean, you need to snap out of it.  I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t breathe.  I need out.  I need to get out of here.  If I make myself stop thinking I can make the voices stop.  If my brain stops then the voices stop and I don’t have to listen to them anymore and everything can just be quiet.  Jean, wake up.  If I can hurt myself, I can stop the voice.  I can finally shut it up.  I need to make it stop talking.  Wake up.  Wake up, please.  Jean.

“Jean!”

Everything was spinning and wet.  I couldn’t see, I couldn’t think.  My head felt warm and sticky.  There was something dripping down my back.  My hands were covered in something.  There were so many voices.  Everywhere.  Hands were touching me.  I couldn’t tell if they were real or not.  I felt like someone was lifting me up but maybe I was imagining it.  It was so bright.  Lights were everywhere all of a sudden and I couldn’t see.  There was a sharp pain in my arm near my elbow.  What was going on?

“Stay with us, Jean.  Please, open your eyes.”

I was moving.  I could tell I was moving but I wasn’t walking.  I was floating over the ground.  But at the same time I couldn’t move my arms.  I was strapped down.  Someone was restraining me.  They were going to hurt me.  I needed to get out.

“Jean, calm down.  You’re alright.”

“Heart rate at 168 and rising.  Defibrillator is ready.”

“Call Dr. Zoe and tell her to be ready to immediately treat a severe hallucination and head injury.”

“Jean, are you still with me?  We need some sign you can hear me.  Jean?”

“Adenosine injection ready, Reiner.”

“He’s pushing 175, give it to him now.”

“He’s still bleeding.  We need to get him to the hospital.”

What was going on?  People were yelling and touching me and I was floating along on my back and it was weird.  There was something in my arm and it bothered me, but I couldn't reach to get it out.  The back of my head still felt sticky and warm.  I tried to open my eyes but they were too heavy to open.  I shook my head, trying to stop it from spinning.  It only made it worse.

“Jean, I need you to open your eyes if you can hear me.  Do you understand?  I’m right here.  I need you to open your eyes.”

Open my eyes?  How?  They were way too heavy to open.  I can’t do that.

“Armin, his heart rate isn't going down.  We need to shock him.  Step away.”

“Just wait until he’s upstairs.  Give him another moment.  He can—”

“He can what?  He’s going to have a heart attack if we don’t do something and you can’t just _believe_ he’ll fix himself.  Go get a crash cart.”

Crash cart?  What were they talking about? Was someone dying?

“It’s too risky here.  Wait until we’re upstairs.”

“You’re going to kill him, Armin.”

“…shut up…” I was able to force out.  I was still moving, floating along.  But some of the voices were gone. 

“Jean?  Can you hear us?”

“So loud…” I muttered.  It was really loud.  And bright.  I didn’t like it.  Why was my head wet?

“I need you to breathe, Jean.  Do you know who I am?”  I forced one of my eyes open.  The ceiling was flying past me.  I was lying on a stretcher and being wheeled down the hall.  A few faces were looking down at me while we moved.  A man with blonde hair pulled back in a short ponytail was right in front of me.  I knew him.

“Dr. Arlet.”

“Oh thank god,” he sighed.  “We’re almost up to the hospital.  Just hold on a little longer, okay?”

“Hold onto what?” I groaned, closing my eyes again.  It was so much effort keeping them open.

“Keep your eyes on me, Jean.”  I begrudgingly opened them again and stared at Dr. Arlet’s face.  I could hear people yelling things around me.  I glanced at some of the other people running down the hall.  Two women in nurse’s uniforms.  A big, brawny man in a white lab coat.  A freckled man in a tie.  I couldn’t see anybody talking, but I could hear them.  There were so many voices.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  It was too much for me.  The darkness had started to come crashing down, and it was easier just give in and surrender to it.  Sleep was easier.  “No, Jean, keep your eyes open.”  I couldn’t.  I needed to sleep.  “Jean, stay with us.  Jean.  Jean!”

“Jean, please.  It’s only in your head.”

Hell is in my head.


	3. Make Believe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few trigger warnings and a lot of hallucinations.

_Let me tell you a story.  Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Jean Kirstein.  Now, Jean isn’t what you’d call a normal boy.  When Jean was five years old, he was scared to sleep without a light on because he thought there was someone standing in the corner of his room, watching him.  His parents would tell him to not be stupid, because of course there was no one there.  He would cry and fight, but his parents never gave him a nightlight.  He had to learn to sleep with the man standing in the corner of his room.  He never did get much sleep._

_When Jean was eleven, he was sent home from school after he had a tantrum, claiming he could see someone floating out on the playground, staring at him through the window.  Since there obviously wasn’t anyone floating outside, the teachers didn’t know what to do with him.  They made him go to the nurse, who told his mom to come pick him up.  His parents weren’t very happy about that.  They yelled at him, telling him to stop making up stories.  The floating person never got any closer to the window, but he was still afraid of it._

_When Jean was sixteen, he took a girl out to the movies.  She had been really pretty, and he had taken weeks to get up the nerve to ask her out. But during the movie, Jean thought he could see blood pouring out of her mouth, and eyes, and ears.  He panicked because she was dying in front of his eyes.  There was no second date, and his dad told him how disappointed he was that he was still having these childish nightmares._

_When Jean was twenty, he was going to Trost University.  His parents told him they were finally proud that he had gotten in to such a good school.  But after the first week, Jean thought he could hear someone talking to him.  He thought someone was stalking him, constantly behind him, whispering in his ear.  He couldn’t see anyone, but he knew they were there.  During one of his lectures, he couldn’t take it anymore, and started to crack.  He beat his head against the desk; he pulled out his hair; he screamed and screamed and screamed.  The next thing he knew, he was here at the hospital._

_Sort of funny, don’t you think?_

\--

I woke up suddenly.  My head was pounding and the sudden light from the room made my vision blurry. I blinked a few times, trying to let my eyes adjust to my surroundings.  Everything was very…white.  The walls, the table I was laying on, the light hanging from the ceiling. 

It took me a few seconds to realize what was happening.  My arms and legs were restrained.  I couldn’t move if I tried.  I was also naked. 

_Good morning, Jean._

My head whipped around.  There was no one here with me, but I had definitely heard someone.  Maybe there was a speaker somewhere…

Suddenly, I could feel a hand on my chest.  It was cold.  I blinked a few times, and looked down to where I _knew_ there was a hand on me.  There was nothing there. 

I felt the hand move up, slowly and patiently.  My breath started to get quicker and quicker.  The hand was nearing my throat.  It was going to suffocate me. 

The hand was wearing a medical glove.  When I noticed it, I looked up to see who it was attached to, but for some reason, the person’s face was covered in shadow. 

 _Stay quiet for me, Jean.  We just need to run some tests_.

Tests?  What tests?  Where was I?  Who was touching me right now?

The hand was around my neck, holding tight.  I couldn’t breathe and could feel myself starting to choke.  A sharp pain shot down my leg and I could suddenly feel something warm and wet dripping down my hip. 

I tried to scream, but I couldn’t make any noise.  I yelled and yelled and no sound came out.  The hand around my throat was making me dizzy.  I could feel a knife cutting down my leg and blood pouring out of me and I was going to die here.  I was going to die.

_Jean_

\--

Sasha was waving a hand in front of my face.

I shook my head quickly and looked over at her.  I was laying outside in the grass.  It was a beautiful day, nicer than it had been in a while.   I glanced around, but I couldn’t find the hospital anywhere.  Where were we?

 _You seem really out of it, Jean_.

Sasha’s eyebrows were raised as she looked at me.  I shrugged and ran a hand through my hair.

I guess I hadn’t been all there for a while.  I don’t know.  I felt like I was just doing something else.  When did we even get out here?  Where were we?

_Do you think it hurts?_

Do I think what hurts?

Sasha pointed past me towards a tree that I hadn’t noticed until now. I sat up to get a better look.  There was something hanging from one of the lower branches.  It was….

Connie!

I jumped up and ran over to him.  He was dangling by an arm, his hand nailed into the branch.  His eyes were closed.  He looked like he could be asleep. 

I couldn’t reach the branch.  I couldn’t get him down.  I ran to the trunk, desperately trying to climb up.  I needed to get him down.  I needed to...

 _Leave him be_.

There was a hand on my shoulder.  I turned quickly.  Dr. Braun.

_It’s okay, Jean._

It’s okay? How the fuck was this possibly okay?  We had to help him.  We couldn’t leave him there.  I could help if I could get up onto that branch.  I could get his hand loose.  We’d be able to save him. 

How could Dr. Braun just let him stay there?  He had to be in pain.  I had to wake him up. 

_Let go._

_Jean._

Jean.

\--

Dr. Arlet’s office was quiet.  The only sound was the steady drip from the coffee maker.  The table between us was covered with papers.  I could see my own picture fastened with a paperclip to the front of a folder.  Dr. Arlet was sitting back in his chair, reading one of the papers.  He would glance occasionally over the top of it at me.  I didn’t say anything. 

After a few more minutes of silence, the coffee maker let out a loud beep and stopped dripping.  Dr. Arlet looked over his shoulder at it before pushing himself out of his chair.  I watched as he walked over to it and poured out two cups. 

_Milk or sugar?_

I shook my head and he smiled as he brought the cup over and placed it down in front of me.  He sat back down and took a sip of his coffee.  I followed his lead.  It was surprisingly good.

I glanced down at the papers spread across the table.  They were out of focus for some reason.  A few words did stand out thought. 

Hallucinations.

Self Medicated.

Dangerous.

Violent.

They were describing me, I knew that much.  These were my files. 

_Tell me about the drugs, Jean._

The drugs?  I only took what I had to.  Before I was at this hospital, I took what I needed to keep the voices away.  A few anti-depressants (mainly Prozac), some Adderall, some Vicodin occasionally.  They helped.  When I got spacey and lost, the addy helped keep me focused; when I was panicking and losing control, the Vicodin slowed me down.  I needed to take them.  I would’ve lost my mind otherwise.

_You never considered seeing a doctor and getting a prescription?_

Why, so some guy could tell me I was crazy and dump me in an asylum somewhere?  No thank you. 

_Doctors are there to help you, Jean._

The only doctors my parents ever took me to told them that I’d grow out of this someday.  But I didn’t.  I’m still fucked up.

_So your solution was to get yourself so high you couldn't think anymore?_

It worked, didn't it?  I was fine until I stopped taking them.  Once I stopped, I started going crazy again.  The only reason I’m here is because I stopped taking the pills.

_You’re here because you hurt one of your classmates._

Yeah, well, I would have been able to control myself if I had my medicine.

_He ended up in the hospital with a three broken ribs and a concussion, Jean._

He shouldn’t have gotten close to me.  It was his fault.

_His fault you decided to drug yourself instead of getting help?_

The room was falling away around me.  It was being replaced with darkness.  I was still sitting in my chair, but Dr. Arlet, the room, and everything else was gone. 

_It was his fault that you lost control?  His fault you hurt him for trying to help you?_

_You really are pathetic, aren’t you?_

_He should have let you kill yourself._

Yeah, he should have. 

Because then I’d be away from you.

\--

My head hurt a lot when I finally regained some semblance of consciousness.  My eyes were still heavy, and I couldn’t quite get them to open, but I could tell I was in a bed.  Not my bed.  It was far too comfortable to be my bed.  Whose bed was I in?  There was no one else in bed with me, which was a bit of a letdown.  But not exactly out of the ordinary.  My head felt weird, like there was something wrapped around it.  What the fuck was going on?

I heard someone yawn very close to me.  That pulled me out of whatever daze I was in.  Someone was in the room with me.  Not my room.  I didn’t know what room I was in but I wasn’t alone.  I willed my eyes to open but they refused.  I tried to move my head, but it hurt too much.  Well, shit.  What was I supposed to do now? 

_Be alive in your apparently dead body?_

Fucking hell.

“He should wake up soon, don’t worry,” said a voice that was way too close to me for my liking.  Especially since I didn’t recognize the voice.  I started fighting with my body to get it to respond to me like it was supposed to, but it wasn’t very effective.

“I know,” said a different voice.  It was soft and concerned.  I had definitely heard that voice before, but I couldn’t place it.  More importantly, someone was there, wanting me to wake up.  Who would do that?  Connie maybe? 

_Why would Connie come to see you?_

I doubted that Connie had even noticed my absence from wherever I was supposed to be.  I guess breakfast.  I remembered going to bed last night, but I wasn’t in my room anymore. 

“Did Dr. Arlet ask you to check on him?” said the first voice.  It was a woman’s… I think.  It was actually hard to tell.  Why the hell couldn’t I open my own fucking eyes?

_Maybe they’re just broken._

“No, I just have a break right now.  I figured I’d see if he was up yet.  I’m going to grab coffee though, I doubt he’ll wake up in the minute I’m gone.”

Someone had come up to see me.  Who was it?  I couldn’t see and it was killing me.  I couldn’t place the voice for the life of me.  It wasn’t Connie, but it was definitely a man’s voice.  Not Dr. Arlet or Dr. Braun.  God fucking damn piece of shit eyes wouldn’t fucking open.

Until they did.

It was really bright, and I shut them again immediately.  It made my head spin a bit.  But in the half second that I had my eyes open, I figured out where I was.

Hospital.

The wrapping around my head was bandages.  I had no recollection of going to the hospital, or hurting my head.  It hurt like a bitch now, but that was irrelevant. 

“Jean?”

I opened my eyes again, slowly this time.  It took a few seconds of squinting to adjust to the light.  I looked around.  It was unnaturally white in this room.  White walls; white ceiling; white bed sheets.  Red pillow.  No, white pillow, stained red. 

Oh, that was blood.

My blood. 

_Maybe they killed you already.  Maybe you’re actually dead._

I started hyperventilating.  What was going on?  Why was there blood on my pillow and why was I in what looked like a Saw movie?  I tried to move, but I realized my arms were restrained.  I was going to die here.  This is where it all ends.  I expected some guy in a creepy mask to walk over with a chainsaw and cut me open. 

Instead, a dark haired woman walked over, an unnaturally wide smile on her face.

“Good morning, Jean!” she said, too excitedly.  It was almost as creepy as the man with the chainsaw would have been.

“What’s going on?” I asked.  The longer I looked at her, the more I started to piece together my surroundings.  I knew her.  This was Dr. Zoe.  An actual doctor, not a psychiatrist doctor.  She walked closer and sat down on the edge of my bed, leaning down to look into my eyes. 

“Do you know where you are?” she asked, ignoring my question.

“Hospital,” I said, trying to move away from her before remembering I couldn’t move. 

“Do you know your name and your birthdate?”

“Jean.  April 7th.”  She nodded and leaned over to undo the strap holding down one of my arms. 

“Hold your arm out to the side, and then touch your nose.”  I did it, missing the first time.  She laughed a bit when I had to try twice, but she seemed satisfied.  “You don’t to seem to have any brain damage, so that’s good!  How’s this feel?”  She reached over me to gingerly touch my head.  Pain shot out from where her fingers touched down my spine.  I jerked away from her.  “Still bad, then.  That’ll take a bit to heal.  You’re going to be here for a bit.”

_Plenty of time for them to—_

“What happened?” I asked quickly.

“I could ask you the same thing.  I’m supposed to wait for Dr. Arlet to get here to ask you, but Mr. Bodt is about to get back, so I’m sure he’ll be able to fill Armin in later.”

“Marco?”

“He’s been here all morning.  He seemed pretty freaked out about what happened.  I guess school can only prepare you so much, am I right?”

Marco had been there all morning?  Why? 

I looked around as the door opened.  Marco walked slowly into the room, balancing a prepackaged sandwich in one hand and two stacked cups of coffee in the other.  When he noticed me watching him, his eyes widened. 

“Jean!  I didn’t think you’d wake up so soon.”  He held the coffees out to Dr. Zoe so she could take one before pulling up a chair and sitting down next to my bed.  “How’re you feeling?”

“I’m fine,” I said instinctively.  I was in pain and having a panic attack, but it was fine.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

“Please don’t lie to me.”

_He caught you, liar._

I stared at him.  That’s not what he was supposed to say.  Dr. Arlet would always give him that half smile and say ‘I’ll believe you this time’ or something like that.  What did he want me to tell him?  I was in the hospital, how the hell did he think I was feeling?  I could feel myself starting to shake. I was over thinking it and it was making me angry.  No, I wasn’t fine, but I wanted to pretend for a minute that I was.  Lying to myself is a valid method of making everything seem okay.

“My head hurts,” I said quietly.

“Course it does,” Dr. Zoe chimed in.  “You bashed your head in pretty good.  Armin was saying you were really out of it and could barely recognize him.”  She changed the subject quickly after Marco shot her a dirty look.  “So, Jean, do you remember anything that happened last night?”

“Not really.”  I shut my eyes tight, willing myself to remember anything.  I had been at dinner with Connie, which was normal.  We went and hung out in the lounge for a while because it was too dark to go outside.  Then I went to bed.  I remember talking to _him_ , but I couldn’t remember what we talked about.  “The last thing I remember is going to sleep.”

_You don’t remember what we talked about?_

“That’s strange,” Marco mused.

_We had a good chat._

“It’s happened before,” Dr. Zoe whispered and quickly walked away.  We both watched her as she started sorting through some papers.  Marco sighed and put his food down on the table next to my bed.

“I didn’t get you anything, sorry.  I figured you’d still be asleep when I got back.  The sedative you got was strong.  It really shouldn’t have worn off yet.  Do you feel dizzy or nauseous?”

“You gave me a sedative?”  I felt a white hot flash of anger shoot through me.  They overmedicated me all the time.  I didn’t need to be put down like a rabid animal every time I lost it. 

_It was important, Jean.  We made some important decisions._

“We had to, Jean.  You were hurting yourself.”  Marco ran a hand through his hair.  “Dr. Arlet waited longer than he should have though.  We probably could have stopped you from-”

“Marco,” Dr. Zoe warned.  He fell silent, looking away from me. 

“Stopped me from what?”

“It’s nothing, Jean,” Dr. Zoe said quickly before Marco could answer.  “You’re just lucky they got you up here when they did.  But you’re safe now.  You’re fine.”

_Why can’t you remember, Jean?_

Marco stood up suddenly.  He stormed over to Dr. Zoe and the two of them turned away from me to talk.  I couldn’t hear what they were saying.  There was a loud ringing in my ears that I couldn’t seem to shake.  Probably just a side effect of the medication.  I could see Marco shaking his head angrily.  I wish I knew what they were talking about. 

_We talked about when you hurt him._

“Shut up!” I yelled.  They both turned quickly to look at me.  My free hand jumped to my head to pull at my hair.  Unfortunately, I had forgotten about how messed up my head was.  Pain shot through my skull and down my spine.  I yelled again.  It hurt so bad.  But he was laughing.

“Jean!”  Marco was next to me again.  He grabbed my hand and pulled it away from my head.  A different feeling shot through my stomach, but I couldn’t tell what it was through the pain.  Fear, maybe.  But it seemed different somehow.  “You’re okay, Jean.  It’s just a little pain, it’ll fade.  I promise, okay?  You’re okay.”

“It hurts so bad,” I breathed, biting my lip hard.  I could feel my teeth break the surface and could taste iron. 

_He’s going to take your brain._

 “Jean, stop. You’re okay.  I promise you’re okay.  Relax for me, please?  I need you to relax.”  The grip on my hand tightened and I clung to it.  It was the only thing anchoring me from slipping away into the indescribable pain in my head. 

“He said you’re going to take my brain,” I said quickly before I could stop myself.  I knew it sounded stupid, it always sounded stupid when I said it out loud, but I needed to tell him.  I needed some kind of reassurance. 

“Your brain?”  Marco raised his eyebrows and a shadow of a smile crossed his face.  “I don’t want your brain, Jean.  We’re not going to touch it.”

“You’re sure?”  I knew he was telling the truth.  The voice was lying like it always was.  It had been telling me for months that they were going to hurt me and tear open my head and fuck with my brain, but no one ever did.  It was just empty threats.

“I promise.”

I took a deep breath.  My head was still pounding, but it was just pain.  Physical pain.  It was real; I wasn’t just imagining it.  In an odd way, that made me feel better. 

“There we go,” he smiled.  A real, genuine smile.  Small dimples punctured his freckled cheeks and his faced seemed to glow.  And I felt myself smile back.  I didn’t know why.  I wasn’t happy.  I was strapped to a hospital bed with my head split open, but I was smiling.

\--

I was in the hospital for two week.  The upside was that I didn’t have to go to group sessions, which was always a plus.  The downside was having Dr. Zoe around all the time.  She was very friendly, to the point that it made me uncomfortable.  She’d sit on the edge of my bed and tell me stories from medical school and from different hospital functions they’d gone to.  Apparently Dr. Smith had once gotten extremely drunk at a Christmas party and actually danced on a table with her, which was something I would have paid good money to see. 

Dr. Arlet came by occasionally to check on me and to have our individual sessions.  Being in the hospital didn’t excuse me from psychiatric care, unfortunately.  The voice had gotten worse again.  He was almost constantly talking; not necessarily to me.  Just talking.  Dr. Arlet said it was probably a result of the head trauma, and to try to ignore him as best as I could.  It was hard though.

Marco was there every chance he got.  He’d bring his meals up and eat with me, and even though I told him he didn’t have to, he insisted it was fine.  The more he was there, the more comfortable I felt.  It was definitely a nice change from hanging out with Dr. Zoe.  Marco didn’t insist we talk about how I was feeling like Dr. Arlet did.  Sometimes he’d bring up a book and we’d just sit in silence. 

It was different.

It was nice.

I was released two weeks after my accident.  Nothing had really changed.  When I walked into the cafeteria for breakfast on Sunday morning, Connie and Sasha latched onto me in a hug.  It made me feel good, knowing they had missed me. 

Nothing had changed. 

Group sessions were just as painful as ever.  Annie was back too.  According to Connie, she hadn’t been around for a few days.  He suspected she was in solitary, but they weren’t sure. 

On the downside, I was starting to slip back into paranoia.  I always felt like someone was watching me from across the room or that something had brushed against my shoulder, but there never was anyone there.

The worst thing about knowing you’re being paranoid, but still seeing shit anyway, is consciously knowing that you’re going insane.

\--

“Do you think ghosts get tired?”

“Sasha.  What the fuck?”

It was Saturday, one of the best days of the week.  We didn’t have individual or group sessions on Saturdays.  They scheduled it that way so it was easier for visitors to come on weekends.  Not that I ever had visitors.  I don’t think my parents have ever come within ten miles of this hospital.

Connie, Sasha, and I were lying out on the lawn, taking advantage of the last few days of summer.  We had to go for dinner soon, but none of us willing to pull ourselves up off the grass.

“They float right?  So do you think that it takes a lot of effort for them to stay floating and not sink through the floor?”

“I don’t get what goes on in your head.”  I couldn’t help but laugh.  I didn’t believe in ghosts.  I had seen my fair share of ‘invisible’ people floating around this hospital, but I knew they weren’t ghosts. 

“I’d imagine they don’t,” Connie commented thoughtfully.  “Because if they did, they’d just drop into the ground when they get tired, wouldn’t they?  And who’s ever heard of a ghost sinking.”

“That depends, does gravity effect ghosts?” Sasha countered, raising an eyebrow at him like she knew something he didn’t.

“Maybe that’s why they float in the first place,” I added.  There wasn’t any point telling them they were being stupid.  They knew.

“But wouldn’t they just float away then?”

I couldn’t think up a good comeback to that so I just stayed silent.  I didn’t have it in me to discuss the physics of ghosts.  I should just ask next time I see someone floating.  What’s the worst that could happen?

 _They’d scare you into a panicked hallucination and make you hurt myself or someone else.  That’s probably the worst that could happen_.

Not worth it.  I’m okay with never knowing.

I didn’t notice someone crossing the yard until Marco was standing over us.  His arms were crossed and he had an amused look on his face.  Sasha and Connie stopped talking immediately.

“Do you three have any idea what time it is?”

“Almost time for dinner?” Sasha suggested innocently with a shrug.

“Past time for dinner,” he corrected her.  He held out a hand to pull her to her feet before turning and reaching down to me.  I took his hand and pulled myself up.  Connie was already on his feet.

“And we’re off!”  Sasha jumped onto Connie’s back and thrust her arm into the air.  Connie set off running across the yard towards the front doors.

“They sure have a lot of energy,” Marco smiled.

“Yeah, but I think it’s good for him,” I shrugged.  “She keeps him from thinking too much.”

“You seem to have them down to a science.”

“They’re my best friends.  I know how they work.”

Marco just laughed.  “It’s nice they can stay so positive,” he smiled.  “I see so many people here who have just given up entirely.  It’s sad.”

“Yeah well.  They’re not actually crazy.”  I shoved my hands in my pockets.  “They’ve got problems, yeah.  But they can function.  They can control themselves.  They’re normal.”

“So are you,” Marco smiled at me.  “You’re normal.” 

I started to laugh hard at that.  Normal?  He thought I was normal?  He had sat next to me in the hospital when I was yelling out loud at the voice inside my head, and he could still lie to me and tell me he thinks I’m normal.

“Jean?”  His hand was on my shoulder.  I looked around at him.  He still had that smile on his face.  It was crooked.  He had a dimple on one freckled cheek.  “You alright?”

“Yeah,” I said quickly, trying to control my laughter.  I set off across the lawn back towards the hospital.  Marco fell into step beside me. 

“Do you dye your hair?”

What?

“Uh, no.”  I raised an eyebrow at him curiously.  Marco’s brow was furrowed slightly as he stared at the back of my head.  I ran a hand through my hair, suddenly self-conscious.

“It’s cool,” he said after a moment.  “I like the undercut.”

“Thanks.”

He gave me a quick pat on the back before jogging off after the dynamic duo.  I watched him go for a few seconds before I realized I was smiling again.  I shook my head quickly before sprinting off after them.

 


End file.
